Circuits

a new year's greeting and a vision from a year ago

In my diary from last year, I found a strange scribble of a vision I had on the morning of new year’s eve, exactly one year ago.

Something in me (the voice of my soul?) prompted me to share this vision now, and write a little about the events that came after. Later on that same evening, a year ago, I drank so much that I lost my mind. It felt like all the shadows of my suppressed anger, pain and postpartum anxiety surfaced in the form of escaping into the intense party energy of new year’s eve. I was so exhausted and filled with pain that I let myself disappear into the alcohol.

I have now been one year sober.

During this year, I have gradually moved through those shadows, sitting with them, trying to understand them, trying to make my way back to the light.

And at this moment, I feel like I have arrived, somewhere. (But, aren’t we always, at each moment, doing just that? Arriving. Journeying through life, to arrive at the next moment. And the next. And so on.)

I feel like the time has come for me to shift out form these shadows that I have gotten to know so well, and to start sharing what I have found there. So I will start with this post.

I now understand that the way to the light comes from integrating it with the darkness. Allowing both of these sides to somehow connect, and inform the other. I can feel my light and shadow sides dancing together in a way that they never did before.

I don't think I'm a good person
but neither am I a bad one.
I think that we are just humans, trying to live our lives.

Trying to learn how to best live our lives.

Trying to learn how to channel this immense power, this energy of life, that is traversing through our bodies at each moment.

I think that is what I tried to express through my scribbles from a year ago.

But after writing it, I still had to live through a year's process of transmuting the suppressed energy of my darkness. And I suspect that this is a process, that I will keep learning about throughout my life.

These are the words that I scribbled about my vision a year ago, on 31.12.2022:

We are all circuits transferring energy. When we become aware of this, the circuit becomes activated and lights up.

Above: Cosmic/mind. LIGHT.

Below: Earth/matter. DARK.

When the human "machinery" functions well, energy moves freely.

This is just one metaphor. There are many ways to arrive at this truth. Each have their own.

Individuality plays a role, it has a purpose, but it is also an illusion. We are supposed to share our individual experiences with each other.

But when we do, they are shared, we melt together, and the importance of individuality diminishes.

I hope you will have joyful New Year’s eve, with your energy shining bright; while also showing respect to shadows that create the backdrop for the light.