Aave Meduusa

Connecting with my womanhood and releasing my first album of Finnish songs

I’ve had my own issues with my womanhood, which is something that I have discussed in different ways in different places, such as:

• in the podcast episode “Thirteen”, where I talk about my irritation at entering womanhood as a teenager;

• in the Substack post and podcast episode, “Portal”, where I discuss the experience of pregnancy and a type of “portalhood” that I ascribe to a more yin/feminine approach to creativity;

• in the Substack post and podcast episode “Monster Mother” where I talk about the darker sides of motherhood;

• and also in the Substack post The Third Way, where I describe how my child-self didn’t have a need for any genders, I just was.

And I guess, I still am. I just am, whatever I am, and know that deep inside, gender doesn’t really touch my soul. I know it’s a construct. But over the duration of my three decades of life, I’ve found that I also have a need to acknowledge the reality of my experience in a body that is, in the end, a woman’s, and some of the different effects that this has had on my human life experience. I need to acknowledge, that while I might know that something is “just a construct”, that construct can also have real effects on my life.

I never spoke up during the years when the Me-Too movement most shook the world, because at that time, I was in a very inward-looking place and not in an outward-speaking place. But I have had my share of experiences of the misogyny and violence that is, sadly, aimed mainly at bodies that are seen as female. And now, I seem to be in an “outward-speaking place” (but who knows for how long…) And while I have tried to write about these things (as the list above shows), for me, the best way to hold, process and express these kinds of experiences and emotions is usually through music.

When I was 19 years old and first started living alone, I used to listen to the song Ave Maria on repeat when I had a hard time falling asleep. It was one of those songs that just soothed me when few other things did.

But over the years the figure of Mary or Maria, “The holy virgin mother”, was cast in a different light, with more disturbing undertones, as I became more aware of the process of overwriting and suppressing the power of female figures that has been a direct result of the patriarchal or kyriarchal systems I was born into. I started instead developing my own personal connection to the Goddess Archetype, which deeply empowered me and balanced my sense of identity, as I realized my version of feminism had previously been to simply avoid anything “too feminine” as a result of an internalized misogyny, which was actually far from balanced. I realized I could actually “just be” again, but this time by playing with both the feminine/masculine and simply allowing myself to be whatever I felt I was, at any moment, including the need to express in more “feminine” ways, if that was what I wanted to do. For me, accepting and appreciating the female form that my body holds has been a very life-affirming experience.

Over the years, an idea started brewing in me: I wanted to create a version of the song Ave Maria that would kind of subvert/shift that whole projection of the holy woman to include the darker and rawer aspects which she also holds, and through the "monstrous” figure of Medusa, to also make space for the horrors that were visited upon her (and many women). But instead of just staying in rage or victimhoid, I wanted to go beyond, and travel onwards from there, looking ahead to what could be, if we could reach a place where we wouldn’t need to stay in just fighting each other but could finally just, be. To play.

At heart, I am forever the dreamer and idealist. I may have darker moments but maybe it is because of this that I have an unending well of light and hopefulness as well. In equal measure with the darkness.

So, here we are. Today I am releasing a music album, Aave Meduusa, that consists of songs I wrote over the years 2014-2024. Some of the songs deal with themes of womanhood and pain but there are also songs that can be seen as more traditional “breakup-songs” and songs that deal with themes of loneliness, isolation and a need to disconnect in order to be able to connect in a different way. These I feel are still themes that can be related to notions about womanhood but maybe also the human condition overall.

I wrote these songs in Finnish, my mother tongue, and in some ways the Finnish language makes these songs feel more intimate, and in other ways less, because the limitation of how many (or few) people speak that language gives me a bit of a shield where I can express things I would maybe not be able to say in the same way in English. Though I’ll let you in on a (not so secret) secret: you can find out what the words mean through the lyrics section on my music website.

Whether you want to look into the meanings or prefer to just listen to the sounds, I hope that these songs can provide a space for those who need it, to float on the sound waves, often enveloped in darkness, at times playful, and sometimes even comforted by sparkling, hopeful lights.

Surprisingly, this album has already served its purpose for me on a very personal level, as I happened to finish it just in time for when I was hit by a sudden grief where I had evenings where all I could do was lie down and cry, listening to this album. Sounds strange and self-centered to admit, but somehow I was soothed by my own voice, allowing myself to express my pain but also landing in a brighter place (as the album does towards the last songs).

If you want to support my music, you can purchase the digital album through my bandcamp. The album comes with a booklet that has lyrics and translations of the words to English.

But! As a reader of these writings, I am also offering free downloads to all paid subscribers, and to a few of the first free subscribers who sends me an email! Just answer back on this email or send me an email at minnamari@mysterious.studio.

P.S. I am including the song Aave Meduusa in the audio voiceover of this post, AND as a free, downloadable MP3-file, for those who may be curious to hear it. I feel like it sums up the energy of what I wanted to say in this post, anyway. Enjoy! (?)

---